After Summer, its really hard to moved on. I mutated and took more time for myself to become someone who liked to hibernate, who liked silence and who liked solitude. I discovered that I am a typical introvert, I spent a lot of time alone and feel content and at peace with life.
Di ko naman sadya, but the more I became unconventional (or simply abnormal), the more I attracted my subjects and then the sooner I released them. It was my style -after only weeks or months into 'flings', I succeeded in making women feel distant from me, and if not, I did my disappearing act.
Until I met Malaya, who is unlike any of the women in my previous relationships after... Summer. Again, I tried to evade every circumstances with her kind. And again, I can sense both our vulnerabilities. I know that Malaya is gracefully introvert, easy prey. But she can adapt to people around her and can easily adjust in situations. Nonetheless, I can read her profound spirit: much loveable, but I decided to ignore her.
It took several weeks after her captivating two cups of rice (medyo sunog pa daw), when we came out of our own shells, haha, ;-). Then, we started to share solid lunch breaks in my dungeon. We listened to our own stories, shared office secrets and gossips while we laughed together. We went on weekend travels..we got along, and discovered more of each other.
She admired my embrace of the introspective life. And I liked her dedication to her work and office. She dealt with my snob mode while I admire her thoughtfulness even to indifferent and toxic persons. She appreciated the irreverent qualities that I have that many persons could not deal with. And I admired her naive but sensual thoughts. Our sexual chemistry was a gift. The compatibility we shared was unique, exciting, invigorating, and real. She loved me. I loved her.
I know she wanted to be a part of this life and helped me to forget my past. She never wanted to be a priority on the same order on which I presently have. She knows where to stand, but she wanted at least a seat by my side every time I indulged the rewards of my solitary life.
As we continued our secret relationship, we eventually ran into my personal challenges - career setbacks and office issues. I became easily drained even after the rush of excitement over our activities and our out of town adventures. I started to perceived her as an excess baggage. I sought time alone, and back to more hibernation. I wanted less time with her and more time with my running shoes and bike.
I know she wanted me to love her the way she loved me. I do, I would say. At kahit di nya sinasabi, never demanded, I know she wanted me to show it more. One thing for sure, I loved her. Hindi ko lang alam kung pano ko pa gagawin but I do loved her.
She struggled to be loved and cherished. She wanted to feel secure in our love, but she was beginning to fear that my retreat into my constant hibernation would spell the beginning of the end of our relationship. I know she was devoted to me. She was not going to break up with me. I did not abuse her own kind of loyalty, although I took it for granted. Then I grew frustrated with a lot of things, find faults, and compared her to someone else. I was forming the strong impression that, once again, everything is temporary and that, that thing shall pass too.
Overstaying na sya, I was now enticing her more into breaking up with me and be with someone else instead. Breaking up with her would have that easily for me for one very valid reason, admitting that I am not the right man for her, period!
But she hardly gave up. As a result, we hurt each other. And when she finally took the bait, she became a different person. I thought I could accept it, but it was excruciating. She learned to lie and kept more secrets that it became part of the course, hurting each other more. Finally, it is over. Ang aking diwata, bumigay din. But then, we took more chances, and by just one call or text, and we are on and on again. But the trust issues became a vicious cycle. Since then, we were never been the same, we have lost each other, never been the same happy persons again, now both scarred, and I became a monster.
But deep down where it counts, I know the problem. Mahal ko naman talaga sya, kaya lang ayaw ko, I loved her so much, I just do not know how to act on it.
I know that Malaya still and always has a good heart and a bright spirit. She is insightful and scarred by many unfortunate experiences. In time, she will be a loving mother and a caring wife to someone. She is many things I love, my who, my what, my when, my where and my why.
While emptiness magnifies again, after all, it has come to an end. It was a long journey. Time is up, quota na daw. Tama na nga siguro. Marami na nangyari, nakakapagod na. Then I felt it and it hit me..simply hit me..at the right place and at the right time.
Where we have been? Our past is not ours to recover, but we still have today and the rest to give.
The truth is, some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny. We thought we were strong, believed holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. But then, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it. I understand the true meaning of forgiveness, that is for myself and for others. From this point you must say that I am finally free. I lost my world, but I gained my universe.
A Day Less Forever
Once upon a time, there was a mountain goat who appears to be a flying cow but thinks like a laughing horse. The bouncy mountain goat who always claim that he believes in paradise was actually never been in the mountains. He works in the meadows with the kicking ducks, bald cockroach, square frogs and others. One day, as the mountain goat gets tired, he told himself, 'mooohhh..moohhh' which means 'Ayaw ko na!'. The diva iguana who heard him and asked 'Why, what is the problem?' The goat said nothing and walked fast away. The fool bee who saw him and asked 'San ka pupunta?'. The mountain goat ignored her more. The blinking fish who also saw him and begged, 'Please do not go-at' The mountain goat looked at her for a second, gave his usual horsey grin but left as well without a word. Others saw him, - straight worm, dancing crab, crying elephant, just a dog, wet monkey, drowning shrimp, and countless others, but to no avail. As the mountain goat ran away from them, he said 'moo-moo' (without an 'h' this time), meaning 'it is not about you ladies..it is me'. 'Damn excuse, a-hole, jerk, user, coward, PIM', said by the drunken bat, blind cat, egyptian butterfly and countless more who overheard him.
The bouncy goat continued to his unknown course and later realized that he was climbing headed to the mountains. The goat changed his life, and just wanted to live as simple as kambing, he dropped the prefix mountain since it would be redundant by settling in that place.
At some point, and as days passed by, kambing met the pretty sheep. 'Is she bahh-bahh? No! Is she black? No! Does she has a wool? May bangs ba? Wala naman. Fox machine clothed in a sheep? Oh no please'. Kambing was so confused and tried to reject what he felt for her. But the forces of nature were greater than the denials of kambing. He blamed the sun, the moon, the stars and the whole universe. Kambing began to believe in what they call as fate, he began to believe in reincarnation, time travels, past lives, aliens, all the unexplainable things and all the impossibles..kambing believed in LOVE.
But the beautiful sheep has been committed with sergeant camel while kambing has been entangled with long leash on his head. But fate finds no reason to stop kambing and the pretty sheep.
Then, on the eve of summer solstice, something happened. Kambing discovered and learned that the pretty sheep is not a sheep but actually a pretty goat. 'Meeehhh..meeehhh' said kambing. 'Meeehhh..meeehhh' replied by the pretty goat. Whatever that means, only the two goats understood.
Kambing challenged and called all the gods in heaven and earth, he declared 'I love her so much! She is the love of my life, the girl of my dreams and the reason for my existence! If it is a mortal sin to love her, then, be it..I will ask for your forgiveness every moment until my last breath. Gawin ninyo ako kilawin, adobo, papaitan or kaldereta..but please let me love her!' Then the earth trembled, the tides up surged, lightning struck, while the planets, the moon and the sun aligned.
Years have passed, and true to his promise, kambing and his love remains. 'Alam mo naman di ba?, na I love you! Please come with me and let us start a new life somewhere' asked kambing to pretty goat. And she replied a short 'meeh' which only the two creatures understood. But then, pretty goat was still with sergeant camel and kambing was still entangled with a long leash on his neck. 'Meeh' repeated by kambing.
It was again on a cold summer solstice night when pretty goat gave her first and finest chevre. Kambing was stunned and dropped his eye lashes when he received the finest chevre from pretty goat, and he just howled 'meeeehhh..meeeehhh..meeeehhh..meeeehhh..meeehhh!!!' All those times, the finest chevre was not given to sergeant camel but only to kambing. But then, pretty goat told kambing, 'Hindi pa rin tayo, there was never an us! Classmate lang kita. Hindi tayo friends' (toinks!)
It was Summer..no, not the season. It was Summer, the name of the bangs of pretty goat, the bangs that never were. It started on a one lovely day, when pretty goat was finally decided and prepared to abscond with kambing. Pretty goat told kambing about her plans to have a bangs, and they will name it 'Summer', the legend begins.. 'kambing na may bangs'. Pretty goat was very happy when she learned that she is growing her bangs, but it was kept secretly. Pretty goat asked kambing 'Anong gagawin mo pag nag pahaba ako ng bangs?' Kambing replied 'Huh? Ayoko! Not now. Pero, ikaw bahala ka, katawan mo yan eh! Hindi naman tayo di ba? Classmate lang kita, di tayo friends!' (toinks..toinks!). It was a long 'MEEEH..MEEEEHH..MEEEEHHH' by pretty goat that was heard around the mountains down to the meadows. She climbed to the cliffs alone and cried all days and all nights until she lost her bangs. Pretty goat was devastated and more than shattered. She was brought to the hospital and lost her bangs secretly and unknown to kambing. The end of Summer.
Pretty goat ran away from the mountains and lived with sergeant camel. Kambing tried to find her everywhere, but to no avail..affidavit was executed.
Years have passed, and kambing grew his antler that made his tangled neck tighter in a long leash. He was haunted by many answers but without questions. Pretty goat was gone, but he still loves her..more than ever. One time, out of desperation, kambing rode his bike to the fields of nowhere. The inverted gold rabbit who always find ways to sympathize with kambing, told the versions of truth about the agony of pretty goat. When kambing found out, his soul was crushed. Kambing began to think like a swimming pig, sometimes he thought he was mighty lizard, sometimes sweet mosquito, often redeeming himself to be a flying cow and laughing horse..kambing lost himself and the mountain kambing was reborn.
Then, he met the turtles, not the ninjas but the labanderas. Mountain kambing shared his version of truth to them..and now the account mingled as kwentong pagong.
Finally, the mountain kambing who was lost was found by a human..a lady butcher and a fine chef. She yelled 'Ang dami mong alam...ang dami mong hugoat!', then it happened.
That goes for everything and everyone. Kung pwede lang gamitan ng bulldog o pioneer epoxy. But no matter how well you glue everything back together, the remnants of the pain and injury will forever remain. Two questions: 1) is this a bad thing or a good thing? 2) is having pain is the best way to learn?
The truth is you never truly let go of the one who broke you, who tore you to bits and showed you how dark love can be. You were hurt, very hurt. Likely more hurt than you ever thought you could be. You were mistreated and disrespected.
You blamed me..told me that I was some kind of freak that I didnt deserve to be loved anymore because it was my fault everyone was drifting away. I wished so hard that I could let everyone know what was wrong, but at the time I wasnt strong enough (di pa ko triathlete..hehe) Im barely strong enough now, but I think it is time to get this off my shoulders.
I taught you what it was to be loved and to love right back. For the first time in your life, you felt really alive. Your senses were enhanced, your stomach was over the brim with butterflies, and a goofy grin was plastered on your face.
I loved you with braces and without. When your face was oily and when you had yet to find a fashion sense.
I made our relationship not all about technology. Long gone are the days where we actually write love letters to our significant other, but even millennials can utilize paper and a pen every once in a while. I gave you something to hold on to in this world of fast-paced multimedia. All too often, we see plus likes on a Facebook relationship status that mysteriously disappears a week later. I did not let our relationship to filter outside of Twitter.
But most importantly, yes I broke your heart. You will be eternally grateful that I broke up with you because we genuinely werent right for each other. (I mean, how often do we end up with our soulmates..hahaha..imagine, soulmates and yet not right for each other, damn!)
I led you to the best man... I led you to the man youre in love with and couldnt imagine a day without him. Not in a snarky way, but really. I mean, if you hadnt loved before him, you dont know if you would feel the way you do now. Learning to love is both trial and error, and Im glad we tried it first.
I hope that one day they will find the same thing, if they havent already. God bless the broken road, right?
Ways to Love YOU
I LOVE your eyes.
I LOVE your smile.
I LOVE your lips.
I LOVE the way you kiss.
I LOVE your big strong arms.
I LOVE the way you hold me so tight that all my pieces came back together.
I LOVE your voice.
I LOVE the way you take me to the places I've never been.
I LOVE the way you laugh and even the sound of it.
I LOVE the way you hold my hand.
I LOVE the way you snore (music to my ears..hehe.. :D)
I LOVE how you know me better than anyone else..even better than me..
I LOVE the way you make me feel like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.
I LOVE the way you***
I LOVE the way you stare.
I LOVE your jokes..even though it annoys me sometimes.
I LOVE your green jokes.
I LOVE your name.
I LOVE your brutally honest attitude.
I LOVE your blog.
And finally..I LOVE THE WAY YOU LOVE ME...THE HAPPINESS YOU BROUGHT WHEN YOU CAME INTO MY MY LIFE IS MUCH BIGGER THAN ALL MY SADNESS COMBINED...
Overheard: Travels in a Neurodiverse World
As a multiple, I have no sense of having unconscious. I can see everything thats going on my head. Everything is just laid out of me, like a filing cabinet.
I dont get evolution. If prokaryotes like bacteria do so well reproducing themselves, why does evolution bother with a complicated multicelled organism? Why does it bother with something like us?
Prokaryotes are organisms consisting of just a molecule with a membrane and a cell wall, like simple bacteria. They are notoriously good at survival, sometimes coming back to life after years in a deep freeze, adapting to resist antibiotics. It hard to find a standard by which they have not outadapted humans. Eukaryotic life ushers in cell nuclei., mitochondria, ribosomes, organelles and eventually organs like hearts and spleens and livers-all these avenues of vulnerability. Not to mention the absurd effort involved in it all. Producing something like a purple alien feels more pointless than carving a classical bust out of butter.
I just dont get why there need to be eukaryotes like you and me at all.
Im inordinately pleased with my own humor.
Id rather swim, then bike..and run again..:-)
After Monday, comes Tuesday...then WTF. Sometimes I find it really transforming, tantalizing, terrific and they call it Tuesdays, but I call it valentines day. But sometimes its just an ugly cousin of Monday, fat, fuck-up Tuesday. The days when I decide when I don't have a choice but just an option. The days when I always realized that there are things that cannot be, no matter how you try. The days that I don't expect anything. The days when your signals are mixed with my second thoughts. But actually, this is the strongest day of my week, where I run like hell, strong enough to let go of something, walk away from anything that no longer serves me, that's every Tuesday. I don't start Wednesdays with a broken pieces of yesterday, but leave it with sparkiel. Feliz Martes! :=)
i love you...
a BIG lie,
a rare TRUTH...
It sounds cliche but it is true: You came at a time when I needed someone like you. Someone who makes me smile after a difficult day at work, someone who makes me laugh at some joke even after the moment is gone, someone who makes me feel understood without having to explain myself, someone who makes me believe that anything is possible
except you are also someone who did all of these without meaning to.
Before you start being flattered or get self-righteous, let me burst your bubble: I never expected to like you. Ever. To be honest, it has been a long time since I even liked someone. I was so used to being by myself that being complicated came as easy to me as breathing. I had intentionally avoided any opportunity to like someone because I knew that when things start to get real, one way or another, I will mess it up. With that, my every waking day had been devoted to faith, family, friends, and freaking work, all in the same order.
But then, things happened and life as I knew it got off track. I was having these petty LQs with God, because I feel like He never gives me what I want and what I deserve. Then, people not only turned their backs on me but also turned against me maybe because they drew lots, picked my name and said, 'Hey guys! Our lives are so miserable right now so let us all huddle up, list all the things we hate about him (me), and together, let us make his life a living hell.' As if that was not enough, my job did not want to be left out and made every day a struggle for me, too. Even my home, which what I thought was the only constant thing in my world, started falling apart before my very eyes.
My life was suddenly like sand in my hands. The more I tried to hold on to it, keep it intact, and save it, the faster the grains kept slipping through my fingers.
In the midst of this chaos, I met you. It may not be as much as I have, but you also have a baggage of your own. You were at the brink of a breakup, burnt out of your job, and wanted to do something new, something you are good at, something you like. One day, you just opened up to me. It was one of those nightmarish days and I just shut myself from the world and swore that I had never let anyone in again. Someone who would find her way through that wall I built was the least I needed at the moment.
Truth be told, you were my person and I felt like I was yours at one point. We allowed ourselves to be lost and fragile in each other’s eyes. No judging, as we used to say.
Now I know what our roles really were: distractions. Yes, we found someone who would listen to our sob stories, someone who would make us believe in silver linings, someone who would make us feel we are not alone, we found that in each other. But now that the worst is over and things are falling back into their right places, what do we still need each other for?
What do you still need me for?
As far as I am concerned, your last message was two weeks ago..
..and I hate myself for checking Messenger every now and then until that darn chat window pops up because I let myself get used to the routine of talking to you every day.
I hate that we both like comfortable silences and beautiful landscapes. I hate that we are both wallflowers and would not take each other’s word for it. I hate that we admit that we are hopeless romantics, which really is just a glamorized term for a wuss. I hate that we are two similar people living at different ends of the world.
I hate that I met you in my quarter-life, a point where every possibility gives you a feeling of a rollercoaster ride and every failure hurt like a sudden death. I hate that I thought there could be something, that we could be something, even though I knew it was a long shot. I hate that for a moment, I thought I could be brave enough to have the real thing if the real thing was you.
Whatever we had would end eventually, I was a hundred percent sure of it. But that something, whatever it was, helped me pull through. You did not put end to the troubles, you did not solve the problems. Instead, you kept me going. The mere fact that I knew at the end of a very long day you would be putting a smile on my face simply made the struggles a lot more bearable. As much as I wanted it to last, it was never my choice to make.
You were the temporary high I could not get enough of.
Thank you for being the one to turn the page because I did not have the will to do it. Perhaps because of all the bad things that happened in the last few months, I wanted to hold on to the only thing that felt good. You said the right things, did the right things all at the right time but not for the reasons I would have wanted.
No, I did not end up being your someone. Someone who makes you smile after a difficult day at work, someone who makes you laugh at some joke even after the moment is gone, someone who makes you feel understood without having to explain yourself, someone who makes you believe that anything is possible
I was just someone who perhaps, in a way, had fallen for you without meaning to.
Now we are back to being two different people at different ends of the world. I wish you nothing but a good life.